Fragmented Memories
by Settiai
Summary: Life moves on, but sometimes leaving the past behind is easier said than done.


The first time Nathaniel kissed her, Tabris stiffened the moment she felt his lips on hers. It hadn't been unexpected, not really. The two of them had been dancing around each other for months, and he had given her every chance to run if she had wanted.

She thought that she was done running. She wasn't the same woman who had watched her life fall apart on her wedding day, not after everything that had happened over the past two years. Tabris thought that she had finally put everything behind her, that she was finally ready to stop letting her past define her.

And yet… she froze.

Nathaniel pulled away almost immediately, a hint of confusion on his face that quickly shifted into worry. "I'm sorry," he said. "It won't happen again."

Flashes of memories rushed through her head, whispers of what had been. Strong hands gripping her arms as a cold voice explained in detail exactly what fate they had planned for her. Lips pressing against hers so forcefully that it was almost a bite, the taste of the shem's bad breath in her mouth. Blood soaking through her clothes, splattered like kaddis on her face. Shianni sprawled on the floor at Vaughan's feet, holding her ripped dress closed and begging her cousins to take her home.

It had been months since the memories had hit her with such intensity.

Tabris struggled not to close her eyes and lose herself in the past. The men who had hurt her family, her friends, _her_ , were all dead. They were nothing but ashes now, their pyres long cold. She knew that there were shems out there who weren't monsters like them. Duncan had shown her that, and Alistair, and Nate, and Anders, and Varel.

She couldn't afford to let herself forget everything she had learned since she had left Denerim that first time. For their sakes, if nothing else.

Nathaniel started to back away, the worried look on his face fading away into something that was unreadable.

Tabris reached out and grabbed his arm.

He stopped moving the moment she touched him, a flash of uncertainty in his eyes. He didn't move any farther away, but at the same time he didn't move closer either. He was leaving his next step up to her, and that was part of what had pulled her attention toward him in the first place.

The two of them stood there for a moment, neither of them moving. She closed her eyes, evening her breathing and attempting to center herself.

"Can I have some time?" Tabris finally managed to choke out, opening her eyes so that she could meet Nathaniel's gaze.

He stared at her for a few seconds, studying her face closely. Then he nodded, his mouth twisting into what almost looked like a smile even if it didn't quite meet his eyes. "As much time as you need."

* * *

Tabris walked up behind Nathaniel when he was sitting at the thankfully empty table in the dining hall and loosely wrapped her arms around his shoulders. Even though she couldn't see his face, she could practically feel his smile. After a moment or two, he leaned his head back so that he could see her.

She leaned down and kissed him.

It was an awkward angle, so she didn't let the kiss last for more than a moment or two. Still, it was enough. Nathaniel's eyes were wide with surprise when she pulled away, and he wasn't even attempting to hide how startled he was.

Tabris supposed that she couldn't blame him. In the weeks that had passed since that first disastrous kiss, neither of them had gone out of their way to talk about it. She supposed it was probably as much her own fault as it was his.

She should have learned by now that ignoring the problem didn't actually make it go away.

"Not that I'm complaining," Nathaniel said slowly, "but I thought you needed time."

She hesitated for a moment or two. "I did," Tabris said finally, nodding at him as she dropped into the empty chair at his side. "I can't promise that I might not need it again, from time to time."

Nathaniel opened his mouth, as if he was about to ask her a question. Then he closed it again. Instead of saying anything, he simply reached out and rested his hand on top of hers. He didn't tighten his grip, leaving her with plenty of space to pull her hand away if she wished to do so.

Tabris gave him a bittersweet smile. "Has anyone ever told you how I became a Grey Warden in the first place?"

He gave her a puzzled look before shaking his head. "No, I can't say that they have."

She looked down at their hands resting on the table. His was much larger than hers, almost hiding it completely. If she wanted to move hers, though, it was clear that he wouldn't stop her. It was her choice and no one else's.

"It was my wedding day," Tabris said softly, not looking up. She didn't want to see his face, not yet. "I wasn't particular happy about it, but… it was supposed to be a new beginning."

His hand shifted slightly, the only outward sign that he had heard her. He didn't say anything, giving her time to push onward.

"It's not a pretty story," she continued, her voice barely more than a whisper, "but before we go any farther with… well, whatever this is that we're doing, you should hear it. You need to know where I came from."

Nathaniel didn't say anything for a moment. When he did speak, his voice was gentler than she'd ever heard it before. "I'm here to listen to anything you want to tell me."

Biting her lip, Tabris finally tore her gaze from their hands and forced herself to look him in the eye. Nathaniel gave her a reassuring smile.

She hesitantly smiled back.


End file.
